Still climbing...

On May 17th I'll be turning 40. Let me say that again so it registers in my own mind. 40. Eeesh. I don't feel forty. <----- I wondered if it would look/feel different spelled out. Nope.

This past weekend I went home to celebrate Mother's Day. In Massachusetts I was surrounded by my family all gathered in one spot to celebrate all our moms. In addition to celebrating our moms, I was also surprised with a birthday party. Out came the cake and candles and with that, the funky birthday hat, flashing buttons and all sorts of traditional, mandatory over the hill jokes.

The next day I was in CT to celebrate Mother's Day with BJ and her side of the family and again I was surprised with another birthday cake, proudly displaying the fact that I'm turning 40. And along with that cake came the same over the hill, "Jack Benny" jokes. (Look it up if you don't get it.)

I know it's all in fun and I had a great time and felt more loved in one weekend than I knew what to do with. I am truly blessed with the best family and in-law family anyone could ask for.

But the thing is, I don't feel forty. I don't know what forty is supposed to feel like but I know I don't feel it. I guess I thought that at forty I'd have it all figured out. Or at least some of it. It seems like most people at the age of forty know what's going on. You've gotten your degree in college and work a career in that field. You have kids and a family if you want them. You basically already know what your path in life is and you just continue on going about your business and living your figured out life. At least that's been my assumption.

But now it's me. I am going to be forty and I don't have any of it figured out. None of it. I look at that number and wonder where did all the time go? What did I do with it? Sure, I've been busy doing, being, living and going down the roads the universe has put in front of me, but even with all of that, I'm still unsure of where I'm going.

I recently got laid off and am still looking for work in television production. I've also used some of my time off to work on my writing, submitting a book proposal to a publisher and magazine articles for print. So far I haven't gotten published, but I know I enjoy writing and would love to make a career out of it. I also love improv and acting and wonder if I should continue to pursue that avenue. A lot of my friends are doing it, why can't I? There are so many different avenues I'd like to consider and I have New York City at my fingertips, yet I can't seem to get a firm grasp on anything it has to offer.

I don't know, I guess I'm just doing a lot more reflecting this birthday than in past years. It's almost like my go with the flow pass has expired and I'm sort of forced to take stock of my life and take control over where I want it to go. I know I have so much more to do and be and it's time to get nitty gritty, figure it out and put one foot in front of the other to get there.

Sure, all the cards and buttons and cakes may say I'm "Over the Hill"...

...but I say, I'm still climbing.